I have changed.
This is my 18th blog, and I interestingly have similar feelings I experienced when I was actually 18.
Blanche is clearly manifesting. We are growing up.
After rereading my blogs, I suddenly feel as if I have treated you like Blanche would treat strangers...carefully, topically and honestly--without full disclosure of her capacity of emotional depth. I have touched on it: the truth of what is going on in my journey, with you. I have even charmed the idea of a reality where I am truly going in this process as I write to you, a little. But. I suddenly find myself in a new place where I feel I can begin to express what is really going on. I am now ready to step onto the high wire--the razor's edge, so to say...no net, no shaving cream. I now plan to thrust my trust onto you, and honestly share the complexity of my human actor mind.
Thus, I must become even more candid with you and not skirt around my true feelings. I never thought I was dishonest previously, but I look back at my journey on this Streetcar line and realize the superficial way in which I approached you as well as my character. Forgive me. I was thinking about writing, being the writer for this blog. I had also given myself that wall of protection and anonymity I have given everyone that is working on this particular show. I will now allow my wall to come down regardless of the results. However, I feel I should continue to maintain the anonymity of everyone else working on the show right now.
I took yesterday off from my new and only constant eyesight, the script. Looking at one so much as I have is beginning a complete transformation (not in real life, but as I rehearse) new posture, breathing energy, my speech patterns in addition to my heart-rate while engaged in Blanche: all new challenges I must put my body through. Yes. Blanche is taking hold. Don't worry, I won't go Black Swan on you...although I purposely did not see that film because of the delicate situation in which I have been placed. I get it. All actors...performers of all kind go through a process of discovery prior to the final product that is presented--hence my reason to write this blog. Some feel it more strongly than others. I trust that no one walks away from any character they have played unchanged.
I spent a good deal of time yesterday pouring through antique and thrift shops for inspiration. Even though being off book is so important, it is equally wise to get away from it and take in what the Universe has to offer to you during this process. One shop in particular shocked me with the song Paper Moon quietly blaring nicely throughout it's cluttered and easy-to-get-lost-in maze of objects. It was Gene Austin singing. What synchronicity! And, speaking of music, I must note to you that my musical taste has changed tremendously. Hole has moved to the back seat and in their place now sits the great classical composers. It is naturally easier to feel like Blanche and in my element with violins among other fine instruments crying, begging softly to be heard and understood in my now-a-day all-things-classical sound scape.
I have also been seeking and watching all films of the 1930's and 1940's from which the actresses would have affected Blanche so severely. Gotta love the old black and whites! I always have. Looking at them through the eyes of Blanche helps me to realize how she tries to mimic the greats. Tennessee William drops clues in his scripts about the characters likes/dislikes. Again, he tells us so much if we just pay attention. I would appreciate your suggestions on films to watch as well as music of this era.
Here I am, getting closer and closer to fully becoming a Blanche that has not yet been seen nor will ever be seen again, and I am sometimes afraid to look at the script. Isn't that nuts? I do it, regardless of the affect it has on me physically, emotionally, and spiritually. I know her better every time and it is harder and more uncomfortable because I am realizing the exact demands that are required in which to play this character correctly. Such an acting challenge has truly not been laid before me previously. Here is where the completely different creature gets scientifically mixed with/by the actor. I must glow & flutter, I must talk differently, I must be affected by others differently, feel life in a new way. She is in a very different place and era than I am. I contemplate how to play this within the constraints of my modern life-experience and physical build. I have to just go there or sometimes let her just come to me.
She is fluttering around me. I can tell when I do or say something right. I get gold stars on my Blanche chart. I can see it happening. I'm an actor, folks. We have vivid imaginations...or do we see and show the imagined? I think the latter. We are the tools of the playwrights. Yes, though, I admit we do have active imaginations. It's a necessary part of being an actor.
I think about how I delivered my lines during the previous rehearsals & the obvious realizations that have finally begun to poor into me lately. I feel like I could mop the floor with what I was doing previously even though I thought that was really close to what Blanche is...I was so wrong. I have traveled nowhere near where I can and should be...and will go with proper direction. I see I can do so very much more. I can make it more real, true. I am on my way to the goal to really become her for the entire length of the play without my personal take on how she should be at any point during the show. There won't be room for my opinion.
She is taking over. Not all the time, she is like a Genie in the bottle that I am getting more and more comfortable calling out...because I tell you, Blanche Dubois is really something special and beautiful. I'm still not sure about what she can do through me, though. I am opening myself up to let her have at it.
My Blanche is still very raw right now, but she truly has a strong and fast heartbeat. She is tremendous. And, regardless of how conniving others think she may be, I truly do not see her this way. I really don't. She is a brilliant soul who has clearly and tragically lost her way.
I really appreciate your reading this blog. Thanks so much! I am loving the feedback I get outside of this blog. Please let me, all of us know what your ideas/questions are.
This is my 18th blog, and I interestingly have similar feelings I experienced when I was actually 18.
Blanche is clearly manifesting. We are growing up.
After rereading my blogs, I suddenly feel as if I have treated you like Blanche would treat strangers...carefully, topically and honestly--without full disclosure of her capacity of emotional depth. I have touched on it: the truth of what is going on in my journey, with you. I have even charmed the idea of a reality where I am truly going in this process as I write to you, a little. But. I suddenly find myself in a new place where I feel I can begin to express what is really going on. I am now ready to step onto the high wire--the razor's edge, so to say...no net, no shaving cream. I now plan to thrust my trust onto you, and honestly share the complexity of my human actor mind.
Thus, I must become even more candid with you and not skirt around my true feelings. I never thought I was dishonest previously, but I look back at my journey on this Streetcar line and realize the superficial way in which I approached you as well as my character. Forgive me. I was thinking about writing, being the writer for this blog. I had also given myself that wall of protection and anonymity I have given everyone that is working on this particular show. I will now allow my wall to come down regardless of the results. However, I feel I should continue to maintain the anonymity of everyone else working on the show right now.
I took yesterday off from my new and only constant eyesight, the script. Looking at one so much as I have is beginning a complete transformation (not in real life, but as I rehearse) new posture, breathing energy, my speech patterns in addition to my heart-rate while engaged in Blanche: all new challenges I must put my body through. Yes. Blanche is taking hold. Don't worry, I won't go Black Swan on you...although I purposely did not see that film because of the delicate situation in which I have been placed. I get it. All actors...performers of all kind go through a process of discovery prior to the final product that is presented--hence my reason to write this blog. Some feel it more strongly than others. I trust that no one walks away from any character they have played unchanged.
I spent a good deal of time yesterday pouring through antique and thrift shops for inspiration. Even though being off book is so important, it is equally wise to get away from it and take in what the Universe has to offer to you during this process. One shop in particular shocked me with the song Paper Moon quietly blaring nicely throughout it's cluttered and easy-to-get-lost-in maze of objects. It was Gene Austin singing. What synchronicity! And, speaking of music, I must note to you that my musical taste has changed tremendously. Hole has moved to the back seat and in their place now sits the great classical composers. It is naturally easier to feel like Blanche and in my element with violins among other fine instruments crying, begging softly to be heard and understood in my now-a-day all-things-classical sound scape.
I have also been seeking and watching all films of the 1930's and 1940's from which the actresses would have affected Blanche so severely. Gotta love the old black and whites! I always have. Looking at them through the eyes of Blanche helps me to realize how she tries to mimic the greats. Tennessee William drops clues in his scripts about the characters likes/dislikes. Again, he tells us so much if we just pay attention. I would appreciate your suggestions on films to watch as well as music of this era.
Here I am, getting closer and closer to fully becoming a Blanche that has not yet been seen nor will ever be seen again, and I am sometimes afraid to look at the script. Isn't that nuts? I do it, regardless of the affect it has on me physically, emotionally, and spiritually. I know her better every time and it is harder and more uncomfortable because I am realizing the exact demands that are required in which to play this character correctly. Such an acting challenge has truly not been laid before me previously. Here is where the completely different creature gets scientifically mixed with/by the actor. I must glow & flutter, I must talk differently, I must be affected by others differently, feel life in a new way. She is in a very different place and era than I am. I contemplate how to play this within the constraints of my modern life-experience and physical build. I have to just go there or sometimes let her just come to me.
She is fluttering around me. I can tell when I do or say something right. I get gold stars on my Blanche chart. I can see it happening. I'm an actor, folks. We have vivid imaginations...or do we see and show the imagined? I think the latter. We are the tools of the playwrights. Yes, though, I admit we do have active imaginations. It's a necessary part of being an actor.
I think about how I delivered my lines during the previous rehearsals & the obvious realizations that have finally begun to poor into me lately. I feel like I could mop the floor with what I was doing previously even though I thought that was really close to what Blanche is...I was so wrong. I have traveled nowhere near where I can and should be...and will go with proper direction. I see I can do so very much more. I can make it more real, true. I am on my way to the goal to really become her for the entire length of the play without my personal take on how she should be at any point during the show. There won't be room for my opinion.
She is taking over. Not all the time, she is like a Genie in the bottle that I am getting more and more comfortable calling out...because I tell you, Blanche Dubois is really something special and beautiful. I'm still not sure about what she can do through me, though. I am opening myself up to let her have at it.
My Blanche is still very raw right now, but she truly has a strong and fast heartbeat. She is tremendous. And, regardless of how conniving others think she may be, I truly do not see her this way. I really don't. She is a brilliant soul who has clearly and tragically lost her way.
I really appreciate your reading this blog. Thanks so much! I am loving the feedback I get outside of this blog. Please let me, all of us know what your ideas/questions are.
What a transformation you are making! If you reread from the previous blog entries, it's really interesting to see the depth you've reached. This process if like, 'How deep can you dive in the ocean before there's just too much pressure.' Good stuff. Test the waters, lovaaaah!
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